Singapura, my idol
by alano, the jealous fan
15 Years after buying more than 50% of the shares from Guinness, Tiger's Book of World Records Pte Ltd has published the 65th edition of the very popular Tiger Book of World Records. As usual, Singapore tops the list of record-breakers with USA and China coming in at a very distant 2nd and 3rd position. It is not known why Singapore has suddenly emerged to such a pole figure in the world recently, but intelligence pointed out this is not caused due to Tiger holding the majority of the shares.
The 1st Singaporean record breaker featured in this book is Ms. Iderl Seow who breaks the record of worshipping 32 consecutive idols and changing her idols as fast as the galaxy spins. In the 32nd season of Singapore Idol, Ms. Seow started idolising the very cute and boyish Johnny Lee and has commented that she really believes he will win the Singapore Idol while feverishly sms-ing her votes on her 6G handphone. Ms. Seow is the only proud fan to boast having 32 seperate idols since the start of Singapore Idol. When asked whether she still adores Taufik Batisah, she replies: "Tau what? I don't like Tau Gwa, Tau Geh nor Tau Hweh." At 50 years of age, Ms. Seow also holds another record of not having a boyfriend since she was 16. When asked why, she sadly explains:"Cos i Idol siao lo, always want to look for stead like the idol. But always don't have. Sians." Judges of the Singapore Idol, Mr. Cock Lee and Ms. Jacintha Abishegenadendafennitongkatalimynameissolongtheshowspendstenminutesintroducingme declined to comment on Ms. Seow's record breaking feat.
The Singapore Idol franchise also registers another official world record as the only Idol competition in the world to boast 32 male winners. It also holds another record of having 32 male 1st runner ups as well. Well done Singapore!
Starhub Mobile has announced a $6million revenue in the 1st quarter of this year, $4 million more than the total revenue of last year. Starhub has declined to commit idol voting phone calls and sms-es as the contributor of this 300% revenue boost.
6000 Females aged 16-25 declared bankrupt in the 1st quarter of this year. It is stressed that this has nothing to do with Singapore Idol.
At the finals show, 500,000 screaming female fans jam packed the indoor stadium. Ushers started organizing the fans and separating the Johnny fans from the Fady fans. It’s the 32nd year running that we had two male finalists – one rockerish Chinese and a non-mat looking RnB cool Malay. When do fans ever get bored?
As the fans screamed and chanted “We want Johnny” and “Fady come out” as the show counted down to the opening, lots of billboards can be seen being carried and waved around. The crowd is easily divided into Johnny’s pink coloured fans and Fady’s purple coloured fans.
2 minutes before the show, the lights were suddenly shut off. Police siren rang loudly outside the stadium. Choppers were visibly present circling around the stadium. Suddenly, hundreds of police officers stormed the building, followed by tens of SWAT officers scaling down from the rooftop. 6 anti-protest trucks streamed in from all corners and started spraying water jets at the fans.
“Keep quiet and stay down. Do not protest. I repeat, do not protest. Cooperate with us and you will be safe.” Chief officer ASP Don Po Tes screamed on the loudhailer.
With that, all 500,000 fans were rounded off to the New Changi Prison Terminal 2, voted the best prison in the world this year by Prisons International Committee K Section (PRICKS). “They will receive the best treatment over there, rest assured. We will strive to achieve excellent service standards, aligning with the government’s plans. If our officers treat them well, the prisoners can actually give them a GEMs card. This will in turn motivate our prison officers to strive for more service excellence for the benefit of the country’s service sector.” ASP Don explains to us as he showed us around the facility; we are impressed.
Security checks were put in place as family and friends gathered around the prison facility. It’s visiting day today at Changi and security is tight, much akin to the IMF meetings held 32 years ago. Nobody knows why they never came back to hold their meetings in Singapore ever again, instead choosing neighbouring Batam as their most popular destination.
Many visitors were denied entry into the maximum security prison as they were deemed to have “criminal records”. When interviewed, Mr. Cho Lao Ho answered: “Nabeh, only 45 years ago scold my primary school teacher kena write on notebook by prefect also canot go in.”
Rumours of terrorists rang in to ASP Don as he briefed his team: “Got big group shouting, shoot them! Don’t care! This is an order” With that, the anti-protest team marched in to the prison.
Later in the evening, a group of orientation students from Temasek Polytechnic streamed pass the prison. “TP OOI!” “OOI!”
With that, the anti-protest team stormed the students, shooting without mercy. Upon witnessing this horror, a group of parents waiting to enter the prison shouted at the troops: “KANINA WHY U SHOOT THEM” With that, the anti-protest team fired mercilessly at the visitors. Chaos rang aloud around the prison as more and more innocent people were killed. The security officers shouted at the people to keep quiet. They in turn were shot and killed. As ASP Don witnessed this scene, he shouted at his anti-protest team. He was killed. The anti-protest team screamed in fear as they knew they had done something wrong. They killed themselves too.
Amidst the hordes of bodies and smell of fresh blood, an old man strolled in, with receding hairline and quite gay, clad in a white cloak. Looking at what has happened and amidst the silence of the environment, he muttered smugly under his breath: “ After 32 years, I can take revenge on you idiots who never vote for Jasmine Tye. Go to Hell assholes. Muahhaha.”
N.B Of course, all this are fictitious and would never have happened. Why you may ask? Because, how can Singapore Idol even have season 3? *rolls eyes*